My brain tells me to work out and eat to be thin so that I will be better-liked and more respected by other women.
But my brain and actions also do whatever they can to keep me from achieving that goal. Part of the reason is contentedness in my current form, but the other part that keeps me from changing my body is the worry of being targeted and harassed by men even more than I am now. I wear my fat like armor to keep men away.
This doesn’t feel like the healthiest behavior, but I would rather be healthy and strong than truly sacrifice my lifestyle to meet commercial beauty standards of what I “should” look like.
A light bulb has gone on and helped me recognize internalized behavior. A step forward.